“Mosquitoes prefer to bite people who have just eaten a banana or have smelly feet.”

This fact, taken from UberFacts twitter page, got me thinking.

A) When I go somewhere insanely hot and get sweaty, I must remember to bring foot spray with me

B) I am so glad I rarely eat bananas

and C) What other holiday annoyances are around that will try and make my trip a nightmare?

So, most vacation seekers begin their journey with euphoric happiness. Couples look longingly into each other’s eyes and rave about how this will be “the best holiday ever”, and families all believe that it will “bring them closer together”. But, it seems that even before holidaymakers get onto the beaches full of semi-naked people, the cracks begin to show…

Most of the time these holiday nasties – big or small – tend to ruin things because they make people so irritable when they experience them.

In honour of said declaration, I have created my own personal countdown. Beginning with 1, as the least annoying annoyance, and 10 being ultimately the worst thing possible as a consequence of destination vacation.

Let’s begin!

1) You look whiter than everyone else, even though you had a spray tan

Everyone knows that many of us Brits resemble Dulux’s ‘white cotton’ paint without a little bit of assistance. And we are all aware of how other countries seem to be filled with bronzed beauties and mahogany men. So, to avoid standing out like a sore thumb, many of us resort to the fake tan or sun bed option. For those who don’t, you soon realise that everyone lives there can see the word “tourist” imprinted on your pale, white face. You try and overcome this by tanning by the pool, but being a Brit and only seeing the sun around 55 times a year, you get burnt and go red instead. Can we ever win?

2) Your appearance goes whack

So, if being as red as a lobster from sunburn doesn’t hack you off enough already, a few other irritations like to stick their SPF covered noses in. Firstly, it’s hot, something us Brits aren’t terribly au fait with, and so we get a little bit sweaty. I think us ladies have the idea that we can tot along the beach in a pretty sarong, looking like ‘Venus’ from Botticelli’s famous Renaissance painting. Instead, you are gleaming from perspiration, the sweat is making your face shiny and your make-up has a “melted wax” effect, your hair has turned into a bush from the humidity, and you don’t half feel like you smell of onions from all the sweating. And the only solutions seem to be staying in an air-conditioned environment, and using tumble dryer sheets on your hair to calm down its static frizz.

3) You sometimes have to prepare yourself with multifarious vaccinations to avoid illness or death from meeting bitey bugs on your trip.

Malaria, hepatitis, diphtheria, cholera, TB, are just a few of the inviting illnesses that await you on your holiday. So, to avoid these you must get stabbed with a needle quite a few times and don quite a few holes in your arms as part of preparation. Are we going on holiday here, or visiting a land of killer bugs and infection? I am not too sure anymore…

 4) You forgot one of the million documents you need to travel and have been refused entry into the country

Now, where did I put my passport?! That is the only thing I need to get to another country and I seem to have packed everything else but. Travel insurance document is here, travel and booking confirmation is…somewhere…I CAN’T FIND MY VISA! All hell breaks loose. You need to remember a lot more than your flip slops to go on holiday. And there’s a blasted weight restriction on my luggage. Surely the documents themselves weigh more than 15kg as it stands?!

5) Travelling unprepared with no organisation can lead to an unsatisfactory trip

We’ve arrived! The sun is shining, we are at our hotel and have flopped on the bed after an exhausting journey. After a long nap from the jet lag, you wake up feeling ready for action! But, with all the packing and booking, you may have forgotten to look at places to visit and things to do near where you’re staying. I guess sitting by the pool for two weeks will be okay? Right?

6) Alternatively, your travel buddy has booked you to do every tour, visit and thing to do available and has left you with no room to breathe

7am wake up, wash, dress, eat, 8am leave for a whole day of activities, get back late and exhausted. That is you every day for the next two weeks, no arguments. You can feel yourself becoming less relaxed now than before your holiday began. Isn’t the whole purpose of a holiday to be relaxing? In some cases, I am assuming not. But it is all about finding the balance that’s right for you and your travel buddy/buddies, and compromising that so everyone’s happy.

7) Other tourists from your country seem to be rowdy and annoying and make you feel embarrassed.

“INGGAALAAAAND! INGALAAAAND!” you hear the drunkards’ bellow from their union jack painted chests. Okay, so you’re on holiday, have fun, enjoy yourselves. But, please, PLEASE, stop making other people look at me like I am exactly the same, just because we both come from Britain? It’s bad enough that you can’t even be bothered to learn some common phrases in this country’s lingo because “they all speak English anyway”. I think I’ll just stay in my hotel room until this holiday is over.

8) Your “great value” accommodation has bed bugs and smells of peculiar substances…

So you attempted to book a budget holiday and thought you’d found a nifty little place that served would cater to all your needs. Well, it has a bed, so that’s good. But the toilet has a foreign object inside it and reminds you of that scene from Dreamcatcher, so that’s got to stay shut. And the flashing lights coming in from the XXX club across the road might keep you awake. But, it has a bed! However, the bites I have woken up with after sleeping in this “dive”ine abode just adds to the appeal…I think.

9) You get ill on the food and come back with more than an extra passport stamp

You want to not be like other tourists and hunt for the nearest McDonald’s, so you vow to try some new cuisine whilst you’re there. The sushi looks nice, and that strange looking cheese. Is that cheese? Unfortunately, sometimes having an adventurous palate proves devastating when you end up returning home with more than the luggage in your bags. With the prospect of parasitic worms and illnesses coming back home with you, it can prove terrifying and in some cases, fatal. So keep vaccinated and don’t eat/swim in anything with potential contamination.

10) You socialise with others and do less in another country than you would do if you’d stayed at home – but you have spent a lot of money for the benefit of doing it somewhere else

So, you’re leaving sunburnt, covered in bed bug bites, grumpy, tired and a little poorer. Wasn’t that just a fabulous holiday?

Now all you have to do is wait for your delayed flight home and enjoy the jetlag after – woohoo!!

**Not all holidays are like this. Sometimes, people do have fun and actually enjoy themselves! Just be prepared and safe!**