“When did emotions get this complicated?”

“When did my needs from a relationship end up feeling this demanding?”

“How can I get back to the person I used to be…before?”

“What if I am seeing things as they really are, but I’m unable to action the correct response because I fear my judgement is skewed?”

They say that love is about trust, and that you must “love yourself first”. But if you can’t trust yourself anymore, then does that mean you also can’t love yourself? And, in turn, does that mean loving another is now impossible?

This is what it’s like, living with PTSD.

Endless questions spiral through your head like a maelstrom, sucking you deeper and deeper down in the whirlpool of your thoughts. The scariest part is how quickly you get there. Imagine, one minute, you’re sat outside in the blissful sunshine, everything is tranquil and you feel wholeheartedly content. And then, all of a sudden, the unexpected noise of a glass hitting the table beside you instantly transports you back to a past trauma. You’re no longer feeling content or peaceful. Your brain thinks you’re in danger again. Every alarm bell is ringing loud and clear, and all you know is that the threat (whether actual or perceived) has sent you back to that horrific place in time.

There’s only so much you can take control of your newly hard-wired brain. Others may hear “anxiety”, “depression” or “PTSD” and simply think all the work needs to come from you. And whilst there are actions the survivor must execute to realise they’re safe, it’s not solely their job to do so. Their reactions happen before the rationalising. That comes after. Without even realising their walls are up, they’re in their mind’s panic room, attempting to dissect this new environment through the safe space in their heads. But time isn’t always a luxury we have. Some situations need on-the-spot decisions to be made. Yet, that’s no longer such a simple request. Their wants are always steps behind their body’s alert system.

Grounding techniques may bring the individual back in the room, but the trigger has already occurred. They’ve already perceived the threat, felt the fear, and are now reeling from a mixture of complex emotions – confusion, sadness, and shock. The thought that they were wrong in their perception is also humiliating. There’s nothing more distressing than not knowing what’s real anymore. That, in itself, is traumatic. And so, the individual remains in a catatonic state, waiting to feel safe again, hoping they can get over the experience that made them relive a bad moment from their past, but also not wanting to be wrong in doing so. The thought of misplacing trust in a situation is terrifying.

The more complicated your life story, the more tangled up your thought processes become. It’s like a cat’s cradle in there now; string after string, connecting multiple, conflicting thoughts and feelings. You do your best to moderate yourself, but having such a strict awareness of this is also stymieing the discovery of the appropriate action needed. Unlike people who’ve been fortunate enough to live a life without natural disaster or man-made challenges affecting their mindset too heavily, those with PTSD have thoughts that are no longer linear. Their head is almost like a super computer, knowing the 3 trillion moves available, yet not being able to decipher which one to choose without fear of losing the game, and all of the unwanted consequences that come with that. Experiencing this in any situation is a real mental battle. It’s even harder when matters of the heart become involved.

As much as we’d love to narrate a story where the survivor has a saviour, in the real world, there are no saviours. There are just people, doing their best to unpack the baggage collected by others, whilst also dealing with their own in unison. No two humans are perfect, either. They simply choose to help one another, but for one reason or another, don’t always get it right. With this in mind, how do you get someone, who doesn’t trust their own judgement, to trust you? Especially if you’ve inadvertently triggered them, asking them to believe in your integrity is a risky business.

Increased emotional intimacy is undoubtedly going to increase the trigger factor. This is because being in a relationship is about as vulnerable as it gets, enabling the potential for past traumas to resurface. You’ve both invested heavily in the bond, and yet – when these moments occur – feeling understood and free to be happy can sometimes seem like an impossible goal to reach. Is wanting things to work out enough? Is the love you share enough? These are positive desires, but weightless without action. How you both cultivate a safe space where stability can be achieved, however, is a great place to start. And if you genuinely care and want things to work, you’ll discuss ways of ensuring that.

This process is not easy for anyone involved. Managing this recovery may also benefit from the involvement of a professional, such as a therapist. However, when it comes to open and honest communication, one of the main and most helpful things for the person with PTSD is to express “I” statements. Such as, “I felt triggered when you placed the cup down from behind me. I didn’t expect the noise.” Versus, “You shouldn’t have put the cup down like that.” Being vulnerable is a real mission for the trauma survivor, so if they’re brave enough to articulate themselves with “I” statements, please don’t get defensive or judgemental. Listen to what they’re saying. Be patient. Be explicit, and acknowledge them for working through something this tough. You, as the person who has suffered the least amount of mental injury in your lifetime, may have to exercise extra reassurance for the survivor.

Of course, your headspace matters, too. But if you can see that your partner is trying, recognising everything they’re fighting against to be present in the moment and respect you, they deserve you to show that you’re there. Stay in the room, show that you’re aware of their pain, place yourselves in their shoes. How would you feel? What would you want/need from your partner if you suddenly felt scared like this? Understandably, having this perception may be difficult. So if you’re unsure, then use viable sources online. There’s plenty of helpful reading material about complex PTSD and also about coping mechanisms, such as mindfulness techniques, practicing acceptance, and breathing etc. Ultimately, if that person means as much to you as you claim, you’ll do everything in your power to prove that to them.

Healing is a journey. Ultimately, it requires time, effort and support from others. This isn’t a road in which the survivor must traverse completely alone. In cases like these, where the triggers are occurring within the relationship, the responsibility is shared.

Words aren’t enough. Consistency and clarity are key, and the right actions need to follow. Whilst not a guarantee, it is possible that a partner can help restore a survivor’s faith in others (and in themselves) again. Just be sure you can be the person they need to believe in.