- Feeling the pressure to look good 24/7– Now there’s no one to impress or fear spontaneously turning up on your doorstep, allowing your Voldemort side to roam free is of no risk! For the times you don’t have to worry about looking pristine for work or going out with your friends, you can simply go home, bung on your slobbies and just relax in front of the TV gorging on a bar of Galaxy chocolate, without the fear anyone will see you looking your fugliest. Ahh, bliss!
- Hiding awkward blemishes – Wearing a winter scarf in May – really? You convince your mates it’s a fashion statement but they know better. They know that silky scarf is really masking a lie. A big, fat, love-bite-ridden lie. Another thing that seems like a good idea at the time. Sure, suck my neck, scratch my back – I am your plaything! But in hindsight, you realised that you’re not 14-years-old and that you really should’ve known better. Thank God you’re a lone wolf now. At least you can now hold your head (and your neck) up high and reserve your make-up for your face and your clothes for the right seasons.
- Being beholden to your phone – Morning, noon and night, you had to talk to them, without fail. Okay, maybe it’s not quite that military for everyone, but for some, any free moment you have in your busy schedule will be spent updating the love of your life on all the important stuff. For example, that you got up this morning, that you ate breakfast, that you’re going out and, most importantly, that you’ll talk to them later. F**K DAT. No one likes Repetitive Strain Injury and now you’re single, you don’t have to suffer with it! Goodbye, twitchy hands and hello free time…
- Cleaning embarrassing stains off the bedding – Those ultraviolet lights terrify me because if they saw what atrocities had tattooed themselves to hotel bed sheets then f**k knows what they’d see on yours. But sometimes you don’t even need a blacklight to showcase this humiliation. Waking up in the morning with a wet patch on your side has got to be one of the biggest eye-openers, and it’s not a pleasant realisation. Not only are you aware of the grimness that’s now sitting on your skin, but you’re also very aware that a boil wash is top of today’s agenda. Being single means that type of unwanted occurrence is far less likely and you can now spend a lot more time doing fun things, rather than washing gross stains off the bed…
- Having to share the bed – Talking of the bed, screw sharing it with anyone! This bed ain’t big enough for the both of us, duvet-hogger. Nights of cold legs and being on the precipice of your mattress are now a thing of the past! This has got to be one of the biggest and best bonuses to singledom because you can now take up all the space you like without having to accommodate anybody else. So spread out like a starfish or curl yourself up like a cinnamon bun – the choice is yours! And only yours.
- Twilight penis prodding – Whoa, what’s that in my back? Oh, jeez…Yup, you know this one of old. Spooning seems like such a cute idea on all the memes, but when you’re awoken to the feeling of a dick poking your spine like a woodpecker at 3am, it doesn’t seem so sweet anymore. Praise the Lord, you no longer have to experience that nightly activity! A good night’s sleep is now on the menu all night, every night.
- Picking up their dirty undies – Walking through a minefield of boxers in the bathroom is not only a trip hazard, but it’s also a crazy mystery only ever encountered in a relationship. Because, for some reason, these items of clothes somehow always manage to wander out of the laundry basket and make a break for freedom. It’s like watching Chicken Run but with y-fronts. The only difference is that the briefs aren’t alive and their floor-chilling is totally down to your partner’s bizarre inability to hold onto clobber long enough for them to be put in their rightful place. But no more! The rooms that were once covered in the debris from a pants explosion are now clean and fresh, and there’s no more fear you’ll fall on your butt when you make a midnight toilet trip. Huzzah!
- Putting down the toilet seat – How many times have you caught the cat swimming in the u-bend just because your partner has left the bog seat up, again? It’s honestly not that hard. Leave it as you find it – that’s my motto, and it applies to anyone’s house I go into, relationship or not. Now, it may not have been a big deal at the time, but after a while, closing the damn thing over and over is just a nuisance. Thankfully though, now you’re a single pringle, the toilet seat remains firmly closed and your pets are no longer venturing to the bathroom to take a leisurely dip. Phew!
- Walking like a cowboy for 2 days after sex – Aye carumba, why did we have to re-enact that scene from 50 Shades last night? It seemed like such a sexy idea at the time, but now you’re walking through the office like Pingu dropped on a drainpipe, the idea has swiftly moved to one of regret. Your privates are sore, your workmates are laughing at you and every time you sit down it’s as though you’re perching on a pike. So whilst you may not be able to roleplay your way through the Kama Sutra book so regularly now you’re single, at least you can walk!
All jokes aside though, the best part of single-life means that your choices are run solely by you. Everything you choose today fashions a part of who you’ll be tomorrow. “Being free means being me.” And that’s a lesson you’ll love to learn.