For some reason, I let people get away with murder. Not literally, of course! Rather, in terms of our relationship. Allow me to explain.

Ever since I was young, I’ve always been a pretty open and warm-hearted character. And I’ve allowed others to see that because – whether we’re old friends or newly-acquainted ones – I want others to feel as happy to be around me as I am around them. However, along the way, I have encountered a few, oh, what shall we call them…?

…Dicks.

Yes! That sounds appropriate. Anyway, these “dicks” seem to have an instant disliking to such a display of kindness, and as part of their Daily Dick Routine, at the top of their to-do list comes, “How I can piss so-and-so off?” That being so, as soon as they spot smiley ol’ me, waving at them from my perched position on Cloud 9, they come over with a big, sharp stick and burst my happy little bubble.

What a dick!

Anyway, the old me would have probably grabbed some gaffa tape and tried to fix my hole-ridden bubble. The old me would have probably also beseeched to that bubble-burster for an explanation. And the old me would have most definitely shed a tear or two when neither of those things worked. However, the new and improved me no longer gives a s**t.

Ahem…excuse my French.

In my short time on this planet, I have come to learn something very important: A leopard never changes its spots. So, if someone was a dick to you once before, then undoubtedly they will be one to you again. I know this because I have seen it over and over in people I have given the benefit of the doubt to. We have a disagreement, we talk it out, they go off on a weird tangent, I am rendered confused and speechless, we decide to pretend it never happened, it happens again. YAWN! What’s with this bulls**t?!

Therefore, in view of this cycle, I made a decision.

Every single time I encountered this behaviour in another, I would F.A.R.T.

Que? Say what now?

Yes, you read it right – fart! Like the noise that escapes your botty at the most embarrassing of moments. Or that thing you do when you waste time on silly and pointless activities. When you think about it, it’s kind of ironic to call it a “fart” isn’t it?

Anyway, in case you were wondering (which, you probably were, given that I’m talking about flatulence) here’s what F.A.R.T stands for.

F is for FREEZE. This person is skating on thin ice with you, so why not stop them in their tracks and freeze this conversation? It’s never going to go anywhere and wasting time raking over old grounds never changed that. Plus, all the stress will cause premature wrinkles, and who needs that to add to the mix of issues!

A is for ASSERTION. You know you’ve not done anything with malicious intent, right? And you’re not trying to goad anyone or act underhandedly? Good, okay. So, if this person is trying to make you feel bad for no good reason, then fight for what you believe in and assert yourself! No matter how much you may care about this person, “love” is not a reason to be disrespected. So stand your ground.

Remember that to “attack” and to “assert” are not the same thing. There’s no emotion held in assertion – it’s just about stating the facts.

R is for RETREAT. Whilst there’s friction in the air, there’ll be no calming the static. Until a calm and reasonable chat can be conducted, I’d advise you to drop the conversation ASAP. If, however, that person is an obscenely large dick and won’t stop prodding you, then you should feel no guilt in walking away for as long as you see fit.

T is for TIME-OUT. Thinking time is key to problem-solving. Linking back to my last point, this is exactly why you need time away from the other person involved. Clarity can only be gaged when you finally have time to breathe. If your mind is packed with annoyances, it’ll only turn into a messy jumble. And if you’re not able to walk away from it and draw up a proper plan to sort it out, your irk for it won’t go anywhere either. We all have different ways of doing this. My release is through my writing (really? No sh*t, Sherlock) or singing – it’s usually a creative endeavour. Yours may be different. But whatever it is, use it to free some space up in your mind. You never know, by the time you’ve done that you may also find that the other person has already made reaching a decision far easier for you. Dicks tend to be impatient creatures.

 

Ever since I started F.A.R.T.ing, it’s changed my life! By surrounding myself with positive people, new doors have been opened and my self-confidence has skyrocketed. Not to say that I ever stand in front of the mirror and think of myself as the next best thing since sliced bread, but I now have the ability to say, “yes!” to things I once would’ve thought twice about. At the end of the day, this life is your own. And allowing silly people make it a misery is a waste of time.

So, if you can’t sort it out, blow it off.