Things We Do
Feeling every piece of clothing as you walk past it: What is with this temptation to caress all items of a fabric nature when walking through a clothing store? I mean, I don’t even really like half of it, but man do I need to know what that shirt feels like between my fingers.
Ogling people’s food as it comes by you in a restaurant: It’s coming…it’s coming! Oh feck it, it’s for them on table 6. Screw this restaurant, I ordered mine before them…What are they even eating? I wish I’d ordered that instead of my interminably absent meal.
Eating other people’s food: Waste not, want not. Sharing is caring. What’s mine is yours – you know the drill. Either way, you’re my friend and that gives me implicit permission to nick your chips.
The imperative hug: Oh wow it’s that person you haven’t seen or spoken to in ages! I guess you should randomly embrace them! And now you’re just standing there making small talk and chatting about how you should hang out soon, but never will…Oh well, why not hug again and be smilier than ever saying how good it was to see that person and chat about nothing.
Using the weather as an excuse for the nation to be put on hold: Okay everyone, don’t panic. We have a situation. Unfortunately, a leaf has fallen on the train lines due to the wet weather. So there will be significant delays to your journey. We now have a millimetre of snow, thus your rubbish won’t be collected for at least 2 more weeks. Damn, now it’s like 20 degrees! How can I work in this heat? I’m going to get sunstroke at this rate, so I best go home from work and rest in my onesie.
Using the self-service machine because you hate people: I have about 2 tonnes worth of groceries in my trolley. Today’s choice: Go to the cashier’s till with a nice long conveyor belt for all the items and get them to assist you with packing. Or, wait in the queue for a self-service scanner to be free and awkwardly and slowly sort it all out on your own…Damn, my face is just not in the mood for chit chat. To the scanner!
Pretending we haven’t seen someone in the most obvious of ways: Have you ever seen someone be as Mission Impossible as a Brit trying to avoid being spotted by someone they know? Be it a chatty neighbour, or a friend you don’t want to see because your hair’s a mess, we will go to any length to hide. If they’re walking past you, you must sneak into the nearest newsagents and use the paper as a shield. If they ring your doorbell, you have to be as quiet as possible and ninja yourself around your home away from any window view because that darn nosy friend will look through your net curtains to try and spot you. It’s a hard life.
Taking a photo of absolutely every single moment: SELFIE TIME! I mean, we’re in the car, so people will want to see this #roadtrip. Look at my cereal, guys! That’s going straight on Insta. Man, I am dead bored. I think I’ll go the extra mile and filter my face with cat’s whiskers LOL. *facepalm*
Buying ourselves treats when getting presents for others: Christmas is a time for giving. So, I’m going to make sure I spoil each and every one of my friends with a special something, but I must stick to my budget…*struggles to decide what to get each friend without spending too much money* Ergh, this is so hard! Oh look, that’s nice! And it’s only £50! I’ll get that for me.
Investing in spares of everything: Okay, so I have one box of tea in the cupboard and 10 bags in the tin at the moment…I guess I could do with spare, cos I may run out in the next 3 weeks and in that time every local supermarket could go into liquidation and then I’d have no access to buying tea. So, then what would I drink? Nothing with breakfast or to get me through work. I would dehydrate and possibly die! Oh, God!… I best get 2 boxes, just to be on the safe side.
Things We Say
Squeezing an innuendo in wherever possible: Literally any time, any place, whoever with, it’s got to be done.
E.g. “How are you?” “I’m alright. You?”“I’m a little to the left” *wink wink*
The use of hyperboles for small things: So, you’re stuck in a queue and it’s been about 2 minutes of your life gone already. I mean, what are you waiting for, Christmas? It’s taking forever!
The use of understatements for the big: You’ve gone out and bought a new outfit for a special occasion hoping you’ll look showstopping. At the ‘do, someone says, “Wow, that dress is amazing!” and you reply with, “What? This old thing? I just threw it on.” Ha, yeah. You “threw it on” over the last 4 hours getting ready and making sure your damn Spanx maintained the illusion of “effortless” perfection.
Making grand resolutions of a temporary nature: How often have you decided to hit the gym 3x a week and get your body as hot as your favourite celebrity’s? That you will never drink alcohol ever again, EVER. And that you will abstain from buying any more of those snack boxes because they’re a waste of money and they’re making you feel fat.
It worked so well for that whole one month though, right?
Being afraid to ask someone’s name: This person is so cool, I really find them fascinating and we’re having such a good laugh! I first met them 3 weeks ago at this very venue when they had a live White Stripes tribute band. What’s their name, did you say? Errr, I don’t think we’ve got to that stage yet…No, I can’t ask them in case they’ve already told me and then hate me for forgetting it like I should already know! You ask them then! Fine, well you best help me out of this toilet window then, cos I’m not going back in there to humiliate myself.
Offering tea as the first step to solving any problem: Settle down, petal! I know he was the love of your life and breakups are really tough. Look, why don’t you put your feet up and I’ll go and put the kettle on, yeah? I can’t believe you want to quit your job! You love that job! Right, you’re not thinking straight. Get this brew down your neck and relax. (Tea=Magic)
Talking to pets about our personal woes: My cat, Fluffy White Bottom, knows me better than anyone. He’s such a good listener. I love him. *Squeaks* Want a treat? Yes, you do! Good booooy.
Saying white lies because we hate to offend those we like: Does your butt look big in that? Course it doesn’t! I mean, it does…but I know if I confirm that to you you’ll totally fly at me. It’s not like you want my real opinion anyway. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have asked me…
Using the phrase “No offence” to get away with offending those we don’t: I just totally told you that the dress you’re wearing is completely vile in a super obvious way, but diplomatically said I wasn’t trying to be offensive, even though I was. After all, I’m only pretending to blame my silly self for not understanding your wise choice in clothing. Seriously, you look a right donkey. No offence.
Apologising in absolutely every situation: Someone bumps into you. Sorry! You walk into a mannequin. Sorry! The guy in the bar flirts with you. Sorry, have we met before? It’s time to go home. Sorry, I have to leave. Why are you apologising? It’s not like you’ve done something wrong.
Sorry, I just don’t get it…